we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
