Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
