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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He passed out mid-signature
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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