HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
