i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The air taste purple.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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