hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
