You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
