All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
