shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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