I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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