did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
