Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize