Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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