I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
