They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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