drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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