grandma shit on top of the toilet
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
