Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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