nut hugger
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
