I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
where are you?
Hypothermia
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
