I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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