Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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