There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I did not marry a roomba.
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