I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize