I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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