i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
sex in a hospital.. check
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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