The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
