he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You smell like stripper and shame
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
