We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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