I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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