today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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