im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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