im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
