What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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