3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
