At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
