You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
