community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
