I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
