Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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