My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
