We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
