This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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