The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
