the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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