i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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