are you so shy because you have an std?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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