he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
