I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
