The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
