I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
