Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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