i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
