How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
