No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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