I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
