My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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